Weather Karma
To all the friends and family in New England that gave me that, "I could NEVAH live in Flahrida with all those huhricanes," and all that happy horseshit:
How do you all like your new indoor pools? What? Can't hear me? Swim closer! Across the backyard! That's it!

I'll take 10 days of inconvenience every 20 years or so over the 160 months of winter you all suffer during that same amount of time. Never mind the occasional HURRICANE or BLIZZARD or plain ole RAIN that might wash your sorry asses away.

The moral of the story: Shit you say can float right back at you.

At least the notice on JS now estimates that everything will be up and running tomorrow. I don't know, maybe I'll start cross posting so nothing ever gets lost again. I'm so lost with all my favorite haunts scattered to the wind.

It really was a lovely mother's day for me. Tyler brought me an entire folder filled with cards, stories and other mommy worshipping items. Then he made a vase of fake flowers with pens, fake flowers and a dixie bathroom cup filled with dark red kidney beans. Very shiney, those beans are. He's so excited that I'm actually using the pens. He also made a clear plastic "stained glass" box at daycare. He topped off my day by naming his favorite bathtoy, a whale, after me. No, I was not flattered, though I pretended to be. I don't think he understands why you don't name a whale after someone you LIKE.

Brett wrote a story about what a wonderful mommy I am, gave me a "stained glass" plastic box, and a little tattered card that was damaged during transport (as everything dumped in his black hole of a backpack is)

I love everything they made for me. I just adore my little boys.

I am absolutely, completely bored out of my skull. There's nothing on tv, the kids are behaving, don't feel like cleaning, and I'm tired of playing games.

Oh, and I don't want to work either, since I have a week's worth of checks missing and I think its my post office's fault. None of them should have been on the truck that caught fire last week so now I've got one more place to try to hunt my checks down.

Sheesh... this journalspace being down is getting on my nerves. Granted, I haven't spent much time there recently, but I did decorate it and make it my own. I've been there for three years and I'm just a little bit attached to the site and the people there.

I guess in the meantime, I'll be here *grumble* *grumble*

I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas. I did. I will now eat fudge while sitting in my shiatsu massager and playing the Sims 2

Assholes and Bottle Rockets Do Not Mix....
I snagged this from Moonbat Monitor who lifted it from someone else. It is the funniest thing I've seen in a long time, had I been drinking something, I would not be typing right now, I'd be at Walmart replacing the keyboard.

Don't try this at home. The reasons will become obvious when you see it.

Presenting: Assholes and Bottle Rockets Do Not Mix

Warning: Not work safe.

Who needs $50 toys, when the kids spend more time playing with paper airplanes? I could make a box full of them, fancy them up with some stickers, and they would play with them for hours. I made them each one and they've been playing with them for six hours.

A Schedule of TV Christmas Specials
I don't know about the rest of you, but it just isn't Christmas unless you catch all the classic Christmas specials like Charlie Brown, Rudolph and Frosty. Thanks to the DVR, I'm not going to miss a single one this year, thanks to this list. The stuff on the bottom aren't classics to me, but the kids might like them, so they're staying. They have a list of the classic movies as well if you click the link.

Updated to add the Grinch

From FOXNews.com - Foxlife - 'A Charlie Brown Christmas' Still Leads Holiday TV Pack After 40 Years:

• "A Charlie Brown Christmas," directed by animator Bill Melendez, airs 8 p.m. Tuesday, Dec. 6, on ABC. It's paired with "Charlie Brown Christmas Tales," based on Schulz's work and featuring each of the Peanuts characters, including Snoopy, in individual vignettes.
  
  
• "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer," 8 p.m. Wednesday, Nov. 30, CBS. A shy reindeer battles the Abominable Snowmonster and finds that his vibrantly colored nose makes him a hero, not a misfit, when Santa Claus needs a guiding light.
  
  
• "The Happy Elf," 8 p.m. Friday, Dec. 2, NBC. Harry Connick lends his voice and original songs to the story of Eubie the elf, who must rescue the unhappy town of Bluesville. The voices of Carol Kane, Lewis Black, Mickey Rooney and Rob Paulsen also are featured.
  
  
• "Santa Claus is Comin' to Town," 8 p.m. Friday, Dec. 2, ABC. Fred Astaire was the narrator for this 1970 tale about how Kris Kringle (Mickey Rooney) overcomes a ban on toys in his native Sombertown and ends up becoming Santa Claus, the world's biggest toy distributor.
  
  
• "I Want a Dog for Christmas, Charlie Brown!" 8 p.m. Friday, Dec. 9, ABC. Rerun, younger brother of Linus and Lucy, gets more than he bargained for when Snoopy the beagle invites his brother, Spike, for a visit.
  
  
• "Dr. Seuss' How the Grinch Stole Christmas," 7 p.m, Cartoon Network: The mean one tries to spoil Whoville's holiday.
  
  
• "Rugrats Chanukah Special," 2 p.m. Saturday, Dec. 17, Nickelodeon. Grandpa Boris and his old rival, Shlomo, perform in a play about the holiday's meaning and, with the help of the babies, find a way to reconcile.
  
  
• "Frosty the Snowman," 8 p.m. Saturday, Dec. 17, CBS. Jimmy Durante narrated the tale of the brave snowman pursued by evil Professor Hinkle on a mission to rescue the North Pole. Followed at 8:30 p.m. by "Frosty Returns," narrated by Jonathan Winters.
  
  
• "A Rugrats Kwanzaa," 8:30 p.m. Monday, Dec. 26, Nickelodeon. When Aunt T. arrives to celebrate the Kwanzaa holiday with the Carmichaels, little Susie learns what it means to honor "the legacy of our great people," and what greatness comes from.
  
  
• "Arthur's Perfect Christmas," 8 p.m. Saturday, Dec. 24, PBS. Elwood City is abuzz with plans for the perfect holiday, whether Christmas, Hanukkah or Kwanzaa, but everything doesn't go as planned for Arthur, D.W. and their family and friends.
  
  
• "Chanukah Stories," airing on PBS stations in December (check local listings). Two children's books, "The Tie Man's Miracle" and "Moishe's Miracle," were adapted for this special, featuring Jami Gertz and Bob Saget.

A little family trivia

I am the 11th generation of my family in this country. They arrived in 1630 in Massachusetts. They settled in Ipswich in 1635. Nobody knows what in tarnation they were doing for five years before Ipswich. Possible indentured servitude? Who knows.

My great great grandfather died in the Civil War. He died of malaria like so many did back then.

My great great great grandfather was impressed into the British navy while out at sea in the late 1790's (you know, one of those issues we had with the Brits that brought on the War of 1812) When he finally got home, the entire family had up and moved from Ipswich MA to Nowhere Maine, somewhere near Augusta (think its called Hallowell or something or other)

My great great great great grandfather has no death date on his tomb. I have come to the conclusion that he's a vampire and that is the reason the entire family up and left. They were probably run out of town with torches and pitchforks. It's not like our family is a stranger to scandals.

Another great great great great grandfather was a Hessian soldier that jumped ship with his buddy. According to family legend, he had a Cinderfella kind of story, including an evil stepmother who he felt the need to run away from. So he ran away from home and wound up in BF Maine. Good thing he could swim.

My great great (crap, need to count fingers), well 5X great grandfather marched to Lexington in 1776. They missed the show, but he still get's a little flag and a medal on a stick on his grave. He would have got the "I marched to Lexington and Concord for nothing and all I got was this lousy t-shirt" t-shirt, but t-shirts hadn't been invented yet. He was in his 60's in 1776.

Gotta go get the kids... I'll finish this later.

I had a dream that four Rolfs sitting nicely in a cream colored convertable, were driving around a parking lot not letting me get off my bed. They weren't doing anything, just driving. My bed was the size of a two story building and I was looking down at them trying to figure out how to get down and get away from them. I wasn't feeling scared at all. Just annoyed.

No more falling asleep with Most Haunted Live on tv. And I didn't even have any Nyquil

Another mother and I were at the stop and the bus never showed up. So we loaded up the entire bus stop and drove them to school. I called the school and they didn't even seem concerned, which ticked me off. Of course, the other mothers didn't even know, since a lot of them drop their kids off at the bus stop on the way to work.

When they came home, they had a different bus driver. It was some big Jabba the Hut / hygenically challenged looking guy. Evidently their regular driver, the very mommish and competent lady, was out sick. We miss her very much.

discover your jack-o-lantern face @ quiz me

I am grumpy... I'm still sick, drowning in my own snot, and taking what I need to to mask the symptoms. No more nyquil though. I didn't get up until 1 PM after taking that crap.

Even though I was sick, I took Tylenol to keep the fever and aches away, Advil an hour later to reinforce it, and Sudafed for the snots. I felt A-OK for quite a while. Since I left work early, there was no need to drive to BFE and meet up with everyone. I decided against dressing in costume because it was COLD (the low was 47. I put pajama bottoms and a long sleeved t shirt on the boys to keep them warm under their costumes. This is the one year that they aren't wearing those "muscle" costumes with all the padding that keeps them warm. Brett was Flash and Tyler was Batman (Batman Begins version). Brett kept calling himself Dash (from the Incredibles) and I had to keep correcting him. Finally I said, "Fine, you're Dash." and he grins and says, "I'm just joking you mommy."

Here they are in the parking lot in front of my car, right before we hopped on a tram, that would take us to the monorail, which would finally bring us to the Magic Kingdom.


Then we finally got a stroller, mainly to carry our junk, but occasionally to hold a too tired 6 year old.

Here they are at the main entrace


Last night they were VERY generous with the candy. All our bags were full and we had to start with a second round of bags. Between the five of us, we have at least 15 lbs of candy, and that is no exaggeration.

Brett kept his mask on most of the night, but only ever had one eye looking out. We'd straighten it and it would be twisted around with just one eye again. He got lost at one candy station, when I thought Dan had him and he thougt I had him. He was wandering around crying near the stroller. He stuck to us like glue after that.

Tyler kept taking his mask off. He walked with his cape swirling behind him. So I started dadada'ing the Imperial March, you know, the Darth Vader walking tune. From the back, he looked more like Darth Vader. For the rest of the night, I called him Darth Tyler. Duncle Dan mentioned that he was looking to download that as a ringtone for when my sister calls. "I am Darth Ballbuster," she announced.

We went on only 4 rides. The Stitch ride, Peter Pan, the carousel, and of course, the Haunted Mansion. This year there were no whines of trepidation, no dragging them... they went on willingly and enthusiastically. I just might be able to take them to Halloween Horror Nights in a couple of years.

Here's a picture of them with a Pleakly statue in tomorrowland


We were getting ready to leave, when I noticed they were about to have a dance party. Since it was indoors, and therefore warm, and the boys liked to dance, we decided to stay. Nothing's funnier than a bunch of little kids in costume dancing. Darth Tyler cracked me up doing the macarena. Brett was doing his usual electrocution/seizure dance. After that we trick or treated our way out, then stood in line to get to the monorail, which would take us to the tram, which would take us to the car. Getting out takes a half hour on a good day.

We were all drop dead exhausted by the time we got home. And I'm now sicker than ever. Oh well. At least I can fake health with enough drugs

Tyler has a stuffed penguin from the movie Madagascar. His name is Private.

(He's trying to make a break for the wild)

The last couple of days, I've found Private on the floor in the morning. I asked him why he was throwing Private out of bed and he replies, "He stares at me and it creeps me out. He looks at me like this..."

In the bath, Tyler yelled, "Mommy, come look!"

Usually excitement means something I really don't want to see but will probably have to clean up.

I walk in to see him pointing at Brett's butt. He's all excited. "Brett has a HOLE in his butt!" he announced with the pride of someone that has discovered the means to faster than light speed travel. "I think that's where he poops from!" And he bends over to have another peek at his most amazing discovery.

"Tyler! Leave his butt alone!" I'm trying hard not to laugh. Brett is standing there with a big grin, all proud to have a butt hole.

That's when the epiphany hit. "Hey, maybe I have one too!" Tyler shouted, and violently bent forward to try to stuff his head between his legs and up his butt to see.

That's really not a good move in a slippery bathtub without a bathmat.

He did a flip and splashed down on his back. You know that gets a maximum bathtub tsunami effect. Brett is still standing there, slightly bent over silly grin on his face, completely unaffected by the sudden turbulence. He's in the exact same position he was when I first came in.

Tyler emerged from the water surprised that the laws of physics actually applied to him. Now that his head was completely wet he was ready for shampooing

Smells like incest

originally posted Thu, 12 Jun 2003 06:01:52 -0700

Tyler (sniffing his favorite blanky): “ Smells yike incest”

Me: “WHAT!?”

Tyler: “My naynay (his name for the blanky) smells yike incest”

He holds the blanky out for me to smell. The last thing I want to do is sniff it. Although I’m not sure what incest might smell like, I’m sure it isn’t a pleasant smell. Not to mention the boys blankies get dragged through everything and are pretty disgusting.

He comes closer, holding out the blanky. I back away.

Me: “What’s incest?”

He rolls his eyes and shrugs, palms up, and lets out an exasperated sigh, like I’m the biggest moron in the world. Then he points. “Incest you dummy ass”

I was laughing too hard to punish him for the dummy ass comment. He was pointing to my incense burner.

Hi, I`m Tydah G

originally posted Wed, 11 Jun 2003 21:39:53 -0700

I’m Tydah G
That’s Tyler’s response when you ask him who he is. He’s the victim of being given a popular name * gasp * There was another Tyler in his class, Tyler E, who has just moved on to the 4 year old room, leaving Tyler the sole owner of the Tyler moniker in the threes. But Tyler is stuck on being “Tydah G” So my kid sounds like he's in some sort of 12 step program whose name ends in "anonymous"

If you push him, he’ll say his name is “Tydah Gweene”. Ok. It is. Well, close enough. He knows there’s a T in his name. Therefore, if something is labeled “Brett”, which has two T’s, it must also be his. Which can create some conflict. Which I am then required to ref. I’m trying to drill into the little head that his name STARTS with a T. So far, the little head is appearing to be completely solid, with no absorption powers whatsoever. One day it will just click. About the time that I’m completely bald from pulling all my hair out.

Finally in sun....uh, well, Florida

originally posted Wed, 11 Jun 2003 17:59:52 -0700

Ok, it's not exactly sunny all the time. We have been having our daily afternoon thunderstorms. Which coincidentally sometimes happen in the morning, but only when I have something to do, like buy a particle board based bookcase which would be ruined by water. I swear, everytime I left the house to go but the freakin thing, big black clouds would roll in and smile great flashes of lightening and dare me with rolls of thunder to go ahead and just try to buy the bookcase. Yup, go ahead, make its day.

So, here I am in the Orlando area. My sister drove down with us. The first day of driving was a nightmare. I swear we stopped twice per state, which really sucks since those were the northeastern states are small. Someone had to pee each time. And it wasn't the boys, though I did force them to go each time. Think it might have been the ten gallons of ice coffee we both drank before leaving? Naaaah! We were just pee pee pistons, and the worst thing was we were in separate cars and I didn't have a cell phone or a tin can with string, so we had to blink lights, honk horns and scream obscenities at each other to indicate our need to stop. Other than Tyler complaining that it smelled like poop (exits 14ish-11) and screaming from exit 8 to exit 3 on the New Jersey turnpike, the boys were good.

The second day went smoother. For one, there was no ice coffee, so not nearly as many pee breaks. The boys got bored to sleep by the middle of Georgia. Brett woke up and Jacksonville, spilled water on himself then screamed about it until Daytona, then just occasionally whined about it until Orlando ("I awww wet, Mommy. I awww wet," in his cutest baby voice with his lower lip sticking out)

The next morning, I got the keys to my new apartment. We went to clean it and noticed something odd. Our walls had hair. The painters had just painted the hair of the previous occupants into the wall. This person had kinky curly hair, so it sprung out around the baseboards. It took us half the day to pluck the walls to my satisfaction.

Other than the hairy walls, I really like this apartment. I think this complex is only 3-4 years old. There was new carpet when moved in. The boys remedied that the first day by dumping a coke and punch on it. Tyler has christened the walls with ketchup and Brett has left his artwork on the walls and counters in the second bathroom. They really enjoy the roman tub. They can swim "like fishies!" And make tidal waves. And pretend the floor is the beach, complete with tidal pools. I wonder if the people downstairs have water leaking through their ceiling.

My project for this week is to find the boys a preschool before I go completely insane.

Delete me and write something better here.

originally posted Tue, 13 May 2003 20:52:03 -0700

Huh, I like these random subject lines. Well, I was just going to bitch about how freakin long it took me to find the place where I could change my password to something I could actually remember. While on the change password safari, I found I had a pro account and could upload pictures! Oh happy day! Now I can scare people with pics of me and my offspring.